Breaking Up 101: Winning Ways To Leave Your Lover

She squeaks when she blows her nose. He eats like a rabid pig.
It's just not working out.

We've all spent some time stuck in a relationship we didn't want
to be in because we didn't have the heart (or some other equipment)
to end it. Maybe we don't want to hurt someone we've been close
to, or worse, maybe it's clear right away we're dealing with a nut and
we don't want to be the trigger for an economy-sized bottle of
Prozac and a six-week stint at the Bendy Willow Psychiatric Center.

So what do you do when it's completely obvious you're just not
meant to be together? You break up. Or, you try to break up,
don't quite hit the mark, and end up sucked back into the awful
relationship for round two, because you just couldn't make it stick.

Is there a way to make it permanent without causing permanent
damage?

The key is to have a plan, a good plan.

Location, Location, Location.
It's really important to pick a good strategic breakup setting.
The best places to have "the talk" are both public but fairly private,
with a convenient escape route. The best location? Outside,
walking at a park. It's crowded enough to ensure you won't have
a big scene, but private enough your dumpee won't feel like he or
she is naked at a funeral. Other agreeable breakup locales include
restaurants (but not a favorite restaurant) or a walk around the
block. The worst place to break up? At a party or work. The only
thing worse than being dumped is being dumped in front of people
you're going to have to see on a regular basis.

Timing Is Everything.
Another key to effective breakups is precise timing. Breaking
up at a park gives both your dumpee and you the chance to
leave once the deed is done. If you're ending the relationship
at a restaurant, do it only after the check has come and you've
paid for dinner. (And by the way, if you're about to dump someone,
you should DEFINITELY be buying dinner.) There's nothing more
horrifying than being dumped and then having to sit around
making small talk for another 20 minutes while you're waiting
for the check to come. (As in, "Hey Lula, what are you doing
now that you don't have plans for tonight? Laundry?")

Happy Freaking Birthday.
Never break up with someone within two weeks of a major
holiday or his/her birthday. Make that a month for Valentine's
Day and Christmas. There's no faster entry to the Bitch/Bastard
Hall of Fame than permanently destroying the holidays for your
soon-to-be-ex. It's just not nice, and you don't want that
what-goes-around-comes-around thing biting you in the ass
when your turn as the dumpee rolls back around.


It's Not You, It's Me.
The first thing to remember is not to drag it out. The longer
it takes, the worse it is for everybody involved. Whenever
you end the relationship, be sure to make your reasons
relevant only to you. Say, "This is not working for me." Stick
with your basis and keep repeating yourself over and over if
necessary. It's impossible for someone to argue with you
about reasons that pertain only to you. If you end up getting
sucked into a situation where you have to list grounds for
wanting it over, you may find yourself in for an encore. If you
say, "we fight too much" or "you don't seem happy" your
partner may offer to change, taking all the air out of your
break-up and landing you right back in the relationship.

Hire A Hit Man.
Worst-case scenario, you're too much of a weenie to
breakup with your girl or guy yourself, you can always
resort to the newest companion service to online dating.
For a fee, letsbreakup.com will inform your wish-you-were-
my-ex of the relationship's demise by phone, email or snail
mail. Certainly not the most sensitive approach, but it
gets the job done.


***


Lisa Daily is the author of Stop Getting Dumped!
All you need to know to make men fall madly in love with you and
marry "The One" in 3 years or less. At bookstores everywhere.
As seen in/on Cosmopolitan, Men's Health and Ricki Lake